Early 2009: Watching ‘Pirates’ with a group of friends in a residence lounge my freshman year of University, fast-forwarding through all the dirty parts. Except a few times they guy with the remote control ‘accidentally’ pressed play a little two early and we caught a glimpse of Jesse Jane or whoever being, um, “penetrated” by lit candles. Ouch! Otherwise, the acting was pretty hilarious. I loved the Asian first mate called Wu Chow – the poor guy is acting in a porn film and didn’t even get any sex scenes!! I also remember repeating a quote absolutely central to the sophisticated plotline; “Loooook, there’s a body floating in the water” with the accent of a dying Valley Girl for weeks after. Actually, I still say that sometimes…
Late 2009: The same guy who was in control of the remote during Pirates introduced me to the genre of ‘pterodactyl porn’. Yes, from what I can remember it was three men dressed as prehistoric dinosaurs doing a young-looking girl who did not seem to be thrilled by the experience. Frankly, I was pretty horrified and decided I hated porn after that. I still haven’t fully recovered since then. Though when I found out a couple of my friends watched ‘Pirates 2: The Revenge of Victor Stagnetti’ when I wasn’t around, I was admittedly a little disappointed.
2011: Last week I was in a convenience store, wearing pajamas and buying munchies with my roommates. I decided to look at the movies and then noticed the existence of a sketchy looking white door near the corner of the movie section. We immediately figured it was the secret porn section and decided to go investigate. The door turned out to be a broom closet filled with cleaning supplies instead of containing titillating dirty movies like “TITanic”, among other hysterical titles. Instead, the store owners thought we were trying to steal stuff from them, so we bought our chips quickly and got the hell out of there.
After reading some of the great stories from other Lady Porn Day Stars, especially the project’s founder Rachel of Rabbit Write, I’m a little embarrassed that the extent of my porn knowledge doesn’t really go past a few mishaps involving the NSFW section of Vice Magazine and Street Carnage. I am inspired to seek out some feminist porn. I’m not exactly sure what that is, but I have the whole internet at my disposal. Let’s get to it.